It started with a doormat

I had spent many, many years feeling grumpy, bitter, worried, FRUSTRATED!  I could fill this page with the dynamics of why and how, but that is really irrelevant, the bottom line was I had standards and expectations that were not being met.  This whole thing called Motherhood had left me feeling ripped off.  I expected marriage to be hard, really hard, but you are dealing with another adult (hopefully) and marriage was the whole iron sharpening iron thing, submitting one to another, Christ loving the church, becoming one flesh, the whole nine yards.  I got it! It made sense, and I took it on, determined to succeed where so many were failing.   Motherhood on the other hand was something that I had just assumed was going to be different.  Even though divorce courts are booming, you never see people standing in line to relinguish their parental rights.  I never heard someone say that it was just too hard, so they quit. It seemed like even the most unfit held their children close.
Motherhood meant sacrifice, laying down of my own agenda, round the clock duty, blah, blah, blah!  Yet, I had only heard how wonderful it was, how much of a blessing it was, and on and on.  For a while, "they" were right.  Although, I never felt this rush of emotion that other mothers seemed to have.  I was crazy in love with my babies once they weren't quite so babyish and I really enjoyed it.  I thought that with training and discipline and love that I would be able to conform them into what I thought they should be.  Of course I wanted them to be what God wanted them to be, but in order to get there, they needed to get done with me.

But things change as they always do, and I had some personal issues (anxiety/depression) that contributed but were not solely responsible for the shift in direction I found myself headed.  I found myself doubting my sanity and the sanity of mothers everywhere.  What pipe where they smoking at nap time that made their world seem rosy and bright.  My world involved letting them sleep as late as possible and putting them to bed as early as possible.  My world involved reading everything I could get my hands on about parenting, child behavior, psychology, divine healing/deliverance, you name it.  Things were spiraling out of control and most of the time I was in over my head.  I was looking for the peace that others seemed to have and that I so desperately craved.  How could people actually love this?  It didn't help that if I ever voiced a question along these lines that women looked at me like I was the anti-christ, because only really, really bad moms ever say anything negative about motherhood.  I saw fakers, but few would ever poke their head out long enough for me to catch them.  Only one woman, whose children are now grown ever shared a story that I understood.  I knew that God only gave good gifts and that it was a blessing, but I was convinced that it should not be this hard.  For the record, I was wrong.  It was as hard as it needed to be. 

Emotionally things don't escalate forever, and I soon plateaued into whatever normal was going to be for me. I realized there is no escape for a woman that fears the Lord and calls herself a daughter of God.  I took my lumps and waited for the light at the end of the tunnel, and that is where you found me when I started my public life online. i had resigned myself to motherhood as "good for me medicine", but medicine still the same.  Life was pretty good, but buried beneath the surface were feelings I didn't like.

You see, expectations are a curious thing, they can be both a blessing and a curse. Proverbs 13:12
 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.  I knew it shouldn't be like this.  I had hope, but it always felt deferred.  Heartsick is a great word.  I knew that somewhere I was missing something, doing it all wrong, but by God's grace he gave me a spirit of perseverance like no body's business.
For years I have been pushing, pulling, fighting to set things right.  Surely some combination of something is going to work; training, disciplining, sweet love, righteous anger, etc.

Which finally brings me to the doormat.  God has always been faithful, he has always been calling me, I just didn't always have the ears to really hear.  I would seem to get it, but NEVER be able to maintain the knowledge I was given.  I needed to become a doormat in my household.  I needed to lay down my "right to be respected by the children," "my rights to their obedience," "my rights to have my husband defend/protect me from them."  These things are all important, and they are part raising children, and I need to train them to do good, but I as their mother can't live our lives demanding it.  I can't cling to my "right" to have it the way I want it, even though my desire may be good.  My children are going to offend me, numerous of times a day.  It may be never ending. (God, please no!) Offense will happen.  Wrongdoing will occur, but what is the Almighty God asking of me in the process.
Proverbs 19:11 A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.
 I am willingly laying down.  I am willingly trying to become the most dreaded of things for a woman. A doormat. By God's grace he will allow me to lay there and take the grime of their lives and not demand something in return.  And this was only the beginning of new things to come.  It has been several months, and I am still struggling, sometimes really struggling, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.  So much more has been happening, seemingly unrelated, yet woven intricately into the landscape of my life.  There are defining moments in ones life, these last few months have been that way for me.  I know that I can never go back without being in deliberate sin.  Luke 12:48 But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few [stripes]. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.

Oh well! No Christmas pics!

I have been waiting to download the Christmas pictures, but the cable has been at Nate's shop, and although I work there 2 days a week and he goes everyday, neither one of us has remembered to bring it home.  This was Dania's first Christmas with us, and it was a gift like no other.  She was pure delight over everything Christmas.  The decorations, gifts, and family.  She cried once a few days before Christmas when I was wrapping presents and the boys had more than her under the tree.  They never get the same amount because we spend a certain amount of money on each, but that doesn't always equal the same number.  Once she realized that it wasn't because she was the "littlest" she was her happy self again. On Christmas, she was all politeness, manners and excitement.  She thanked everybody sincerely every time she received a gift, even before she opened it. It was so sweet. She was most excited about a small doll house that housed little woodland creatures. Her family was a mouse family, and the whole thing is so cute.  My mom got her that, and I picked up the accessories.  She also received some navy blue boots that she proudly wore to school today.

Everyone was sick at sometime over the break.  Austin the week before, Luke trailing behind him, then Evan was sick for a day, (so like him to recover quick) Nate is still sick after 2 weeks, but of course refuses the Dr.  He probably had bronchitis or walking pneumonia but seems to be on the mend.  Dania got a cold, and I have managed to hold it all at bay with Echinacea and Goldenseal, acidophiles and grapefruit seed extract.  TA DA!

So much is happening right now, spiritually speaking.  I am full to the brim with lots of things to ponder and pray about.  I hope to put some of it down here, but I am also keeping a journal for the first time in 15 years, so we shall see if I am able to manage both.  I am looking forward to this new year, I have the feeling that it is going to be a year of tomato staking in my life.  I have changed directions and found that the path is much smaller than I've been used to.  I sincerely believe that God is revealing himself to me in a way that is new to me.  It is forcing me to evaluate my motives so much more carefully. I am weighing my decisions with much more care and caution than in the past.  The last 2 years have been wild, to say the least, but this one has me trembling in reverence at the prospect.

My world vision

I was so happy this year to participate with World Vision.  Every Christmas I get a little frustrated with the amount of stuff that accumulates under our tree, for I fear that the holiday loses it's true meaning, and the focus is skewed.  My goal is to have a gift less holiday.  Stockings only would be my preference.  This year we decided to try something different than anything we have ever done before.  We asked the kids if they wanted to give a part or all of the money we would spend on them for gifts to World Vision.  This is different than in previous years when we as a family would give to an organization because this was coming straight out their monies.  It would literally mean that they had less and would feel the cost of the giving, rather than it just coming out of our pockets.

 I decided to see if other families in our church wanted to join with us and do the same thing with their kids and each other.  Someone at work asked Nate what he was giving me for Christmas and he said "a goat." That really raises some eyebrows.  I just mailed off the check to World Vision for $1342.  It has been one of the highlights of the season so far. God is slowly stripping away the veil, and the view is inspiring.