A blur

Christmas this year was a tremendous blur and whirl of craziness for us. I won't bore you with long details but Nate goes out of town the 16-18th when we were planning on getting our shopping done. Nate's company party at my house on the 19th. Tactical gun shoot on Saturday the 20th, which by the way I took first in the tactical class and Nate took first in the competitor class. (toot, toot) Sunday the 21st had a dozen people over to eat leftovers from company party. Tuesday before Christmas was the first and only time we were able to go shopping, we got it almost done that day but it was madness. Wednesday, finished shopping and grocery shopping, then had a couple of hours to do the wrapping and head over to in laws for Christmas Eve. That night I came home and started cooking for Christmas day, just a few things to knock out of the way. Christmas day morning with the boys, then mid morning my parents and brother came over for presents and lunch. My parents left at 3 and I had till 5 till Amanda and her folks came for dinner. I got every thing done and had a relatively good time, but Nate and I both said that we would never do this again. We will prepare better next year so that we actually have time to enjoy the season and the family. We both missed out on the real Christmas.

Tonya and crew came over Friday and hung out while the men golfed. That night the cold that I had been keeping at bay for the past 2 weeks finally caught up with me and I was down for the count for the weekend. I infected Tonya and now she is sick as well.

Out of order of course

Amanda's folks and grandparents joined us Christmas day for Christmas number 3.

Amanda's dad and stepmom.

Amanda's brother and half sister.

Christmas 1, no actually 2

This was actually our 2nd Christmas since we did Christmas Eve with Nate's whole family. I just did not have my camera for that one. We had a wild and good time out there with all the Kissacks and Nate's brothers kids.

I gave my mom some giant king crab legs for Christmas. She loves them and never buys them for herself, so it was a fun gift to give. Nate's feet are in so many of our pictures, I don't know why he couldn't sit up to take the photos, oh well professional photography is out of the question.

This is Evan with one of his favorite gifts.

A Wedding

It has finally happened, one of my friends kids just got married yesterday. They have 3 boys 3 1/2 years apart, from oldest to youngest. The mother of the groom, who is my friend is 10 or so years older than me, but she is definitely a friend in my group. When they came to our church her middle son who just got married was 9 years old, the age of Evan now. I suddenly felt so old, and it made matters worse when the bride and groom spoke to me and referred to me as Mrs. Brock. I mean when did I become Mrs. Brock, sure some of my friends small children call me that, but not adults getting married. Are they not now in my peer group of married folks that call each other by their first names, or have I entered the realm of the peculiar middle aged lady. I remember these middle aged ladies, they were my moms friends. While they were not yet old ladies, they certainly weren't young or exciting. They weren't the married ladies who drew my attention, they weren't the young ones holding one cute baby. I still feel young and you know that I still look so young, so what could of possibly happened in the blink of an eye.

I further remember these middle aged ladies telling me to enjoy my time, youth, looks, health while it lasted because it would be gone in no time. Somehow I lived in ignorant bliss that it would never happen to me, that somehow I would escape the years. Now my friend who said goodbye to one of her boys yesterday tells me to enjoy them while they are young and at home, that the time flies and pretty soon it will be me sitting in the front of a church somewhere watching my baby marry another baby. I laugh because I know how right they all were, and because I am now one of them, telling young mothers to hang in there, that "this too shall pass."

Oh Christmas Tree

We had a lovely day on Sunday when we skipped church (due to Nate's barking cough) and headed to the mountains to cut our Christmas tree. Amanda went to church so we missed her on our adventure. I always prefer to go to a Christmas tree farm and cut our own. It was something that I did as a kid and I remember it fondly. Normally Nate is not thrilled with real trees because to him it is throwing money away, so if it were entirely up to him he would go artificial, but this year he thanked me for making such a great day. (the boy has some hope)

The evening didn't go off quite as well as the day, when I noticed that we didn't have enough lights, so Amanda and I headed to Walmart to pick some up, where we ran into Uncle Doug and Aunt Jenny (not a couple), we ended up spending more time than I thought, so by the time I got home, Nate's cold and cough had him worn completely out and he was too pooped to participate in the tree decorating. While we were decorating it Amanda commented on the fact that every year her tree falls over. I said "that never happens to us." About 15 minutes later Nate came in to lift the child that is appointed to put the angel on. We have a family tradition of each year allowing a different child to put the finishing touch on the tree. We write the child's name and year on the inside of our angel so that we never forget whose turn it is. Anyway we let Amanda do it, and you guessed it, ten minutes later the tree passed my peripheral vision and shattered to the floor yanking out the cord and all. The boys jokingly said that Amanda cursed our tree, but I wondered if it wasn't an idol that came crashing down, after all I was pretty impressed with that beautiful, glowing 9ft tree. Only 6 ornaments were completely lost, and a few of them are now permanently disabled, but overall it was an interesting holiday moment.

Peace

My entire homeschooling life I have never felt "called" to homeschool. When Austin was little Nate and I decided that it would be best for him to not be in a school enviroment, he was very sweet and had a sensitive nature, and at that tender age of 5 I didn't want it damaged. I also didn't want to be waking up my 3 and 1yr old and driving to school in the wee morning hours. Added to those factors also was the consideration of Nate having his own business and setting his own time off whenever his schedule allowed. For several years while the school work itself wasn't so demanding I didn't mind homeschooling. I never loved it, but I felt like the trade offs were worth it. In the last 2 years I have become incredibly resentful of it. I dread it beyond explanation. I even started not enjoying the weekends because I was dreading Monday so badly. I know that I didn't have the right attitude about it, but no matter how much I turned it over to the Lord and begged for wisdom and mercy, peace was alluding me. I was constantly talking about my options, public school, private school, tutors, etc. I never acted on them because I was too chicken to make a change, and too uncertain about my motives.

I am not one of those homeschool moms who believes that it is best for all children to be taught at home. I really believe that many factors can play into whether or not it is the best thing for each family. I believe that my middle son suffers from being here. All my other children benefit from it, I'm sure. I have come to realize that most of my discontentment has come from the fact that I have options. If we couldn't afford christian school then that option would be out the window. If we couldn't have a tutor then of course that wouldn't be a consideration either, and the only option would be public school or homeschool. Well just a week or so ago I came to the realization that I no longer had the option of public school. Amanda could never survive public hs academically and spiritually. Private school is out as well because she is too far behind. Once all those doors closed I had to make peace about where I was with this whole thing, and I also found out that my husband believes it is God's best for our family at this time. I honestly never knew he felt that way. It has always been a year to year decision, but once I realized that he felt that way and also that 3 of my kids were better off here I capitulated to the path I am on with peace in my heart. I finally am convinced I am where God wants me, and even though I don't want to be here it makes the surrender that much easier. I try to encourage myself with a song that we so often sing in church. "oh the wonderful cross, bids me come and die and find that I may truly live." It just reminds me of why I am really here on this earth, and what truly matters. My flesh is so very weak at times but he has always managed to sustain me through the hard days.

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my hubby's favorite holiday. While Amanda and I made cheesecakes and jello molds, Nate was getting the guns ready for the yearly shoot that happens when the whole gang gathers at the inlaws. This year practically everyone has some new guns to practice with, including yours truly, so I will be making an appearance at his makeshift shooting range this afternoon. Amanda's Dad will be here in a hour to pick her up for the weekend, so she will miss out on the Brock family fun, but hopefully will enjoy her time with her brother and other family.

My brother is in town, but he will be spending the day with my folks and some friends from their church, so we will catch up with him later.

I am thankful for several things this year:

My parents are still around and in good health.

I have some really great friends to hang out with.

My wild boys that inspire me to better myself.

Amanda has come and the transition was so smooth.

Dania's paperwork finally being released and is on the move again.

That the marriage that was hanging in the balance at this time last year is being restored.

I am also thankful for whoever said "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." I have used that saying many times over the last few years. lol

However and whomever you spent this holiday with, may your day be truly blessed.

Several Tries

I have written this post over and over again only to save it in draft form but never publish. This is a very condensed version of the others but it reveals all that I feel comfortable writing about. .

I'm finally able to report that I and my children are still alive. We have been having some incredibly difficult days around here lately, and have come to the conclusion that I need to seek outside help with one of the kids. It has been a hard decision to come by, but I want to be able to look in the mirror and know that I have done everything I possibly can for each of my children. This of course includes fasting and praying, although I have not been able to fast lately some dear friends have filled in that gap for me.

Nothing terrible is happening, but I want to intervene before patterns and habits get to far established and the road back becomes too long. We have had some good family fun along with the frustrating school days, so I am not in the depths of despair. ("To despair is to turn your back on God") a quote from one of my favorite stories, Ann of Green Gables.

Austin will be starting basketball soon. This is the first sports activity that we have participated in, in a long time, excluding swimming last summer. I think it has been 4 years since anyone played a team sport. It is practically impossible to allow all 3 of the boys to play the same sport, so we are letting them have their number one choice. This year Austin wants to try BB, Evan wants to play football, which doesn't start till the end of summer, and Luke is not sure if he wants to do baseball or soccer. Either way they are all in different seasons so there won't be so much running around and the whole family can go to the each other's games and cheer them on. If they had all played BB, they would have been on 3 different teams with practices back to back or scattered on different days with games on different nights. We could have literally been at the gym 5 days a week for several hours at a time. It makes me tired just thinking about it.

Amanda is practicing her baking skills on the family, much to every one's delight, especially Nate. I enjoy cooking but I am the reluctant baker. Sweets just don't entice me that much unless someone else is making them. I have been able to lose 3 pounds in the last two weeks, but Amanda has been on a roll with the cookies lately. She made the best peanut butter cookies last week, and then this week topped it with wonderful Snickerdoodles, plus the good ole standby of chocolate chip.

She has very definitely attached herself to me over the last few weeks. I wondered if it would happen with someone her age, but things have really turned a corner. She told me she loved me today without me telling her first.

At Last

With the elections over we can focus on something else for a while, at least until the transfer of power. I would be untruthful to say that only dissatisfaction consumed me last night in watching the returns. Since I liked neither of the candidates I was prepared for the outcome and felt like a spectator to an event that has significant meaning. The only thing that really bugged me was the people around the world that were screaming, ripping at their clothes, fanning themselves, and basically hyperventilating like it was a Beatles concert. He is only a man, not the savior of the world. He definitely has celebrity status.

I teared up several times last night, and not for the reasons you may think. I was happy for the people that had lived during the civil rights violations of the past century to see their dreams fulfilled, black or white. While I do not respect people who voted strictly on race, I can understand it and the significance is not lost on me. I was proud of the fact that he was not discredited becasue of the color of his skin, we have come a long way in that dept.

I was also reminded to not worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough worries already. Obama didn't knock Jesus off the throne, he still appoints the rulers of the land, and he still carries us in the shadow of his wing. He uses all things to refine his people and purify us, and even though that may be unpleasant the outcome is for our good.

So, change is coming, but this is still the land of the free and the home of the brave, and I love this country.

Our Weekend

Friday - bonfire and candy at the church
Saturday - stayed in my bathrobe till 2pm and read a book, then went to the Harvest Festival in town.
Sunday - Church, afternoon reading to finish the 500 page book from Sat. and then grocery shopping.

Terribly exciting, I know.

I am so looking forward to watch election coverage tomorrow night. I keep silent (mostly) about this election because I no longer feel like I have a stake in it. For me this is a lose, lose situation, however I want one particular candidate to lose more than the other, but I don't predict that happening. All I can say is that gun purchasing has increased in our household and across many households in the nation. Sales are up 8-10% in the last 6 months according to the news. The reason stated for the increase, according to our fair and unbiased news is that people are worried about crime and the unstable economy. If you believe that one, I know where you can find a man in green holding a pot of gold.

I did it all by myself

As you know I hired a friend to help tutor the kids this year. With 3 distinct grade levels for the boys (Luke is not reading well yet) and a high school er who is quite a bit behind, I felt that I really could use the help. She only comes Tues -Thurs, but those are the days I look forward to the most, especially after going it alone on Monday's and Friday's. I have been dreading the days she doesn't come because it seems that I just can't get it all done, but last week she had the flu and I had to make do. It was definitely hard and we did miss out on some subjects a few days, but overall I am feeling more confident in managing my brood.

I have been thinking lately about how the scariest, daunting, challenging, and most difficult things in my life are some of the things that in retrospect I am most proud of. When I say proud, I don't mean puffed up pride, I actually mean I have great satisfaction. There are days that I just absolutely dread, I mean night before complaining in my head, not wanting to get out of bed dread, and all out avoidance if possible dread. Sometimes those days turn out just as badly as I had imagined, but therein lies the problem. I should not be imagining the worst. I should not be fearful or dreadful of something to come. If only I would learn my lesson and just take each day as it happens and plan for the best. Planning for the best isn't my first thought. I am usually preparing for the worst or worrying about the "what if's". I have noticed this before in my life but it was brought to my attention again recently while we were camping. I had laid out the 2 younger boy's clothes and told them to pack their little piles. Well both of them took out some shirts and one pair of pants, I didn't notice that they weren't packed until I was unpacking at the campsite. My immediate response was "Oh no", What if they get their only 2 shirts wet or their 2 pairs of pants are too dirty to wear. I had it all planned out so that "the worst" wouldn't happen and now it could possibly happen. I told Nathan, who said "so what they'll be fine." Then I told Tonya, because certainly she would see the dire straits of having only 2 shirts to wear on a 4 day camping trip, but she didn't sound the alarm either. Everything turned out fine. Who needs clean shirts when you never bathe and you are living outdoors. I did have to hang up a pair of jeans over a camp chair to dry out near the fire, but so what!

So I shared that story because after a long week of homeschooling on my own, Friday came around rainy and cold. I used to love, love, love those kind of days when I was childless or when Austin was a baby, but they turned into really long days when we were living in the tiny trailer with 3 kids on top of you and I learned to dread them. Well they aren't quite so bad now a days but still not something I look forward to, and when I woke up Friday to the sound of pounding rain, dread crept into my heart. I needed a plan and I needed one quick, so I prayed for peace and a productive day and I got better than what I had asked. I got an idea to get math, grammar and reading done by lunch and then have a Sound of Music marathon for the afternoon. None of my kids have seen it and I consider it a must see. You have never really lived if you haven't belted out "the hills are alive with the sound of music" on a beautiful day. We popped popcorn and crawled into my bed with blankets for the afternoon. I acted like I was excited about the day, I told them to focus and be diligent in their work so that everyone could enjoy the treat and for the most part they did. It turned out to be a pleasant day after all. The only thing negative was the fact that Luke found the movie "so embarrassing" several times and rushed out of the room complaining about "singing romantic love" and "embarrassing dancing and singing." That was a slight annoyance because he wanted it to be done at the intermission, but that kid has been a pest for some time now so we took it in stride.

Anyway I am really trying to pay attention to the things that I am afraid of or dread and see if I can't rearrange my thinking. I know it works for the really big things in life, like adopting, starting your own business, going back to school, homeschooling, but so often it is the little things that daily eat away at my peace.

Finally some great adoption news

Yesterday morning when I was praying I asked God that Dania not be something that God had placed before me but that I would never see fulfilled. I was beginning to wonder if he was testing me in some way and I might not see this dream realized. It is not uncommon for adoptions to have major snags and sometimes the end results are hard to swallow. Anyway, we had a regular day of school and then I sat down at the computer to email my facilitator. I had just pulled out the keyboard when the phone rang and it was her. She said she had great news and that my file was finally signed out of parquet and on the move to MOI. The bad news was that my file was signed out a year ago and got locked in a file cabinet when there was a personnel change. She told me that she chewed them out for me for being so inconsiderate, but at that point I was just so elated that nothing was wrong with our paperwork and that we were on the move again.

My timeline from now is tentatively 2-6 months in MOI and then 1-2 months in passports and then we are on our way to pick her up. Of course something could hold us up again, but hopefully I won't fall into another abyss. So rejoice with us today because we are very happy!

Eaten out of house and home

I am posting again because several things have happened lately that have caused me some alarm. The first occurred when I added up my food bill for last month. It was a staggering (sit down) $1200.00 bucks. $250 of that was eating out, $150 of that while on vacation. I have noticed my bill creeping upwards but I had no idea. 2 years ago we were averaging $400-650 depending on the circumstances. I thought that perhaps I was being careless in my shopping, but then the second occurrence happened. I actually paid attention to how much food was being consumed, and this morning for breakfast my eldest ate a bowl of cereal, an entire bagel, 1/2 a grapefruit, and then a 2 egg omelet. That was an 11 years old breakfast, the rest of them can pack it away as well, and they eat well (mostly) at mealtimes. So I am going to be investigating some very filling meals and snacks.

Tallulah River Campground

We headed out on Thursday to join the Kissacks and inlaws on a fall camping trip to one of our favorites places. Luke and Evan learned how to ride bikes here in the loop of the campsites when they were 3. (Well they rode through our pasture first, but this was their first time on pavement) We camped right on the beautiful river full of trout. This facility has no showers or electricity so it is really roughing it. We have tons of wonderful memories at this place, from fishing to treasure hunting, to cooking over the fire, riding in the back of the truck to Tate City every time we come, and this year we added Capture the flag to our repitore of adventures. We played in the dark between the 2 bathrooms and had a blast. Sometimes I wonder what the other campers think of our gang, because there is always a dull roar going on. It was a little overcast and sprinkled one afternoon, but other than that the weather and leaves were beautiful.

The Redneck Homecoming court finalists

We loaded up our chairs for a drive up the dirt road to Tate City.
Sandi and Amanda froze in the back. (Note, no children were riding in the back when we drove on the main road for a few miles.)
Papa and the boys following behind Nate's truck.

Tonya couldn't quite make it back to camp, the winding dirt roads and bumpy ride forced her to become road kill. She didn't puke, but only by the power of my strong, forceful praying. I'm sure!

Asundry of events

Eyebrow plucking to avoid the unibrow.
Evan's Star Wars pumpkin.

Lyra trying to hide while pulling out pumpkin seeds.

campfire fun

Amanda's first attempt at outdoor cooking.

She still needs a little work on this one.

Some sickenly sweet fun

Nanny brought the fixings to make carmel apples rolled in M&M's. It was too rich for my blood, but they were a hit even though several people felt a sugar rush like no other.

A Typical Week

I guess for the time being once a week is all I'm able to maintain. This has been a much better week, but not without some drama. The 2 younger boys are still having adjustment issues as well as Amanda. She came from a home where she was the baby and is now the oldest and I am constantly trying to persuade her to stop shooting herself in the foot with an impatient attitude. I'm not really sure why Luke is having so many issues, since he was and is the baby. One of the other areas he is struggling with is having a teacher other than his mother. This has been a big transition as well, and he is navigating that path very, very reluctantly. This has definitley put a strain on our school day, but little by little we are getting there. I am realizing what a claric personality he has. He wants everything to be fair and justice administered swiftly and pursues things with dogged determination.

I miss my dog.

I'm wonder if Dania will ever come home.

All the balls I'm juggling are still up in the air.

I feel content.

I feel useful.

I haven't talked to God as often.

Daisy Duke

On Thursday morning our beloved dog was run over while walking with Amanda. Needless to say it was very sad for us all. She didn't live long enough to get to the vets, but she didn't suffer too long. This was not like when Jacket (the black moron) died. This dog was one of a kind and I truly loved her. She was never annoying, and was the sweetest dog, everyone in the neighborhood loved her. It was a tragic end to an unbelievably difficult week.

Isn't she lovely

Jenny (sil) needed a model for some makeup line she is getting into so she borrowed Amanda as a model. Amanda has never really bothered with makeup before now. She is already a cute girl but we were all blown away by how great she looked.

A Field Trip to Travelers Rest

I lived here half of my life and never visited historic Travelers Rest even though it is 7 minutes from my house. The Kissacks were in town this week and TR was having a pioneer day. There were all sorts of demonstrations that I found incredibly interesting. The most fascinating of all is the open cooking. I love to watch them cook in an open fireplace, if I ever found myself in need of a job I would love to work in a place like this doing the cooking. When we went to Williamsburg last Christmas I was captivated by the separate cookhouses and all the ways that they preserved and prepared food.





The boys participated in some period dancing much to their embarrassment and Tonya tried out some kind of loom.

Bikes, Guns and Age

The Kissacks are in town again and we are all happy to see them again. We will be camping together in a few weeks, but the boys can't get enough cousin time. Life is running at breakneck speed but what is new. Amanda continues to pester and amaze us all. (she is doing it at this very moment 6 inches from me)

There is no news on Dania. (sad)

I am finally realize how old I am becoming. I used to take everything dangerous that happened in stride, but now I FREAK OUT at the sight of them racing around on their dirt bikes. I went down to the track tonight to watch them jump, and a couple of days ago I had to look away as they came racing up from the woods. The problem comes from the fact that they have long surpassed their MOTHER in the talent factor. When we were all riding together and I was still better then them I didn't worry so much, because we were all on the same level. Nathan is an awesome rider and teaches them well, and I recognize that he was once young and scared his mother as well and she is still living, so I know that I can survive as well. I might as well get used to the fact that we are a motorcycle family and I have three sons that will be approaching adolescence soon. I don't know very many moms that would be excited at the thought of boys on dirt bikes and teenagers on motorcycles.

I must say that the highlight of the last 2 weeks was when I entered a tactical shoot with Nathan at the local shooting range. There were 32 participants with only 3 of us being ladies and I placed 22nd. I beat the 2 other women and 7 guys. Nate was really proud of his gun toting wife, and I have to say that I had more fun than I thought I would. Nate came in 1st with his friend and employee coming in 3rd. I will try to enter again next month and improve my standing.

I am so busy with school this year. I can't believe that so many sahhm do this by themselves. 4 different grade levels is really hard to keep up with. I am so happy to have Tia helping me this year, it has made the trasition so much easier. My kids are really learning something, ain't that amazing.

Hilton Head

We just came back from a 4 night vacation to Hilton Head. This was our scheduled vacation, the one to Fla was a business trip/vacation. I have never been to HH before and found it quite charming. There are no street lights so it is pretty dark throughout the island at night. The beaches were fairly empty, and the ones that were there were retired folks or some young families. The best part about the island is that it is flat and filled with bike trails. We rented bikes for $12 a bike for the 3 days or $16-18 for the week. The beach was a mile away so we rode there almost everyday. We just shoved our towels in the little baskets on the bikes, threw in some water and sunscreen and were off. The best part of our trip was riding at night on the beach and on the golf course cart paths. You couldn't ride during the day, but night time was open. We sped around like it was a race track without any lights. It was definitely the riskiest this old lady has been in a while. The weather was perfect, I think we missed both of the hurricanes. The only down side was that I didn't get to sample any seafood. All the seafood restaurants that I saw a menu from were really pricey, and taking our crew of 5 out to the Golden Corral cost us a whopping $88 bucks. Four of us our eating adult sized entrees with only 2 still ordering from the kids menu, and sometimes even they aren't filled with those meals.