This day last year, at this exact time, we were arriving at the childrens hospital in PA. We were told that the children were already sleeping and we would have to return in the morning. I remember trying to find a hotel, and ordering pizza at 10pm, because we were so hungry. While watching the 11 o'clock news in PA, I caught a glimpse of some eyes that I had gotten to know so well. All was well. Dania was indeed one of the 54 children rescued in the airlift. A moment in time etched in my mind forever.
I am having to swipe Nate's laptop, because our computer is completely down. It is just as well. I don't know how to adequately describe the past year. How do I do justice to God's goodness and his amazing grace. My story is a truly happy one. This past year has brought so many wonderful things. The little girl sleeping in her bed upstairs tonight is the same little girl that has been here for the past 12 months, and that in itself is a tremendous miracle. She is the same, minus a little language barrier and shyness. She is still as happy and delightful as she has always been. There have been a few bumps in the road, but they have mainly been in my lane. Her lane has mostly been smooth.
How do I thank so many people that walked the long road with us for 4 years? How do I thank the countless faces that prayed for us last year at this time? How do I thank the people that gave of themselves physically to welcome my child to her new home, when we had yet to arrive? Mostly, how do I thank a most kind, and gracious father, who saw fit to bestow on us the blessing of adoption? Who has allowed us to glimpse his heart, and share in his sufferings. These thoughts occupy a good portion of my mind when I think of my girl, when I think of the road she has traveled to rest in this house.
If you google her name, you will find the updated story on some of her friends. We looked at it tonight together, and she sure was happy to see them with their families too. My greatest wish for our adoption legacy, is that some other family catches the adoption bug. That some other families find God's heart for these children of the world that don't sleep in a bed that belongs to them, that have no idea what it is like to belong to a family, that have never experienced the love of a parent, that are always wondering when will someone come for me. Remember these little children that have such small voices. Remember them to the father of the fatherless, and let us remember them to one another. So much can be done for the least of these. Right now All Blessings International (they work with Bresma, Dania's former home) needs 50 families for adoption. There are at least that many kids in one orphanage, and there are so many orphanages, and so many have yet to reach an orphanage, but will be there soon. Things are really bad in Haiti and so many other places in the world. My sweet little girl found her family, and yet there are so many bright, beautiful children still waiting.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Thursday, January 06, 2011
It started with a doormat
I had spent many, many years feeling grumpy, bitter, worried, FRUSTRATED! I could fill this page with the dynamics of why and how, but that is really irrelevant, the bottom line was I had standards and expectations that were not being met. This whole thing called Motherhood had left me feeling ripped off. I expected marriage to be hard, really hard, but you are dealing with another adult (hopefully) and marriage was the whole iron sharpening iron thing, submitting one to another, Christ loving the church, becoming one flesh, the whole nine yards. I got it! It made sense, and I took it on, determined to succeed where so many were failing. Motherhood on the other hand was something that I had just assumed was going to be different. Even though divorce courts are booming, you never see people standing in line to relinguish their parental rights. I never heard someone say that it was just too hard, so they quit. It seemed like even the most unfit held their children close.
Motherhood meant sacrifice, laying down of my own agenda, round the clock duty, blah, blah, blah! Yet, I had only heard how wonderful it was, how much of a blessing it was, and on and on. For a while, "they" were right. Although, I never felt this rush of emotion that other mothers seemed to have. I was crazy in love with my babies once they weren't quite so babyish and I really enjoyed it. I thought that with training and discipline and love that I would be able to conform them into what I thought they should be. Of course I wanted them to be what God wanted them to be, but in order to get there, they needed to get done with me.
But things change as they always do, and I had some personal issues (anxiety/depression) that contributed but were not solely responsible for the shift in direction I found myself headed. I found myself doubting my sanity and the sanity of mothers everywhere. What pipe where they smoking at nap time that made their world seem rosy and bright. My world involved letting them sleep as late as possible and putting them to bed as early as possible. My world involved reading everything I could get my hands on about parenting, child behavior, psychology, divine healing/deliverance, you name it. Things were spiraling out of control and most of the time I was in over my head. I was looking for the peace that others seemed to have and that I so desperately craved. How could people actually love this? It didn't help that if I ever voiced a question along these lines that women looked at me like I was the anti-christ, because only really, really bad moms ever say anything negative about motherhood. I saw fakers, but few would ever poke their head out long enough for me to catch them. Only one woman, whose children are now grown ever shared a story that I understood. I knew that God only gave good gifts and that it was a blessing, but I was convinced that it should not be this hard. For the record, I was wrong. It was as hard as it needed to be.
Emotionally things don't escalate forever, and I soon plateaued into whatever normal was going to be for me. I realized there is no escape for a woman that fears the Lord and calls herself a daughter of God. I took my lumps and waited for the light at the end of the tunnel, and that is where you found me when I started my public life online. i had resigned myself to motherhood as "good for me medicine", but medicine still the same. Life was pretty good, but buried beneath the surface were feelings I didn't like.
You see, expectations are a curious thing, they can be both a blessing and a curse. Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. I knew it shouldn't be like this. I had hope, but it always felt deferred. Heartsick is a great word. I knew that somewhere I was missing something, doing it all wrong, but by God's grace he gave me a spirit of perseverance like no body's business.
For years I have been pushing, pulling, fighting to set things right. Surely some combination of something is going to work; training, disciplining, sweet love, righteous anger, etc.
Which finally brings me to the doormat. God has always been faithful, he has always been calling me, I just didn't always have the ears to really hear. I would seem to get it, but NEVER be able to maintain the knowledge I was given. I needed to become a doormat in my household. I needed to lay down my "right to be respected by the children," "my rights to their obedience," "my rights to have my husband defend/protect me from them." These things are all important, and they are part raising children, and I need to train them to do good, but I as their mother can't live our lives demanding it. I can't cling to my "right" to have it the way I want it, even though my desire may be good. My children are going to offend me, numerous of times a day. It may be never ending. (God, please no!) Offense will happen. Wrongdoing will occur, but what is the Almighty God asking of me in the process.
Proverbs 19:11 A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.
I am willingly laying down. I am willingly trying to become the most dreaded of things for a woman. A doormat. By God's grace he will allow me to lay there and take the grime of their lives and not demand something in return. And this was only the beginning of new things to come. It has been several months, and I am still struggling, sometimes really struggling, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. So much more has been happening, seemingly unrelated, yet woven intricately into the landscape of my life. There are defining moments in ones life, these last few months have been that way for me. I know that I can never go back without being in deliberate sin. Luke 12:48 But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few [stripes]. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.
Motherhood meant sacrifice, laying down of my own agenda, round the clock duty, blah, blah, blah! Yet, I had only heard how wonderful it was, how much of a blessing it was, and on and on. For a while, "they" were right. Although, I never felt this rush of emotion that other mothers seemed to have. I was crazy in love with my babies once they weren't quite so babyish and I really enjoyed it. I thought that with training and discipline and love that I would be able to conform them into what I thought they should be. Of course I wanted them to be what God wanted them to be, but in order to get there, they needed to get done with me.
But things change as they always do, and I had some personal issues (anxiety/depression) that contributed but were not solely responsible for the shift in direction I found myself headed. I found myself doubting my sanity and the sanity of mothers everywhere. What pipe where they smoking at nap time that made their world seem rosy and bright. My world involved letting them sleep as late as possible and putting them to bed as early as possible. My world involved reading everything I could get my hands on about parenting, child behavior, psychology, divine healing/deliverance, you name it. Things were spiraling out of control and most of the time I was in over my head. I was looking for the peace that others seemed to have and that I so desperately craved. How could people actually love this? It didn't help that if I ever voiced a question along these lines that women looked at me like I was the anti-christ, because only really, really bad moms ever say anything negative about motherhood. I saw fakers, but few would ever poke their head out long enough for me to catch them. Only one woman, whose children are now grown ever shared a story that I understood. I knew that God only gave good gifts and that it was a blessing, but I was convinced that it should not be this hard. For the record, I was wrong. It was as hard as it needed to be.
Emotionally things don't escalate forever, and I soon plateaued into whatever normal was going to be for me. I realized there is no escape for a woman that fears the Lord and calls herself a daughter of God. I took my lumps and waited for the light at the end of the tunnel, and that is where you found me when I started my public life online. i had resigned myself to motherhood as "good for me medicine", but medicine still the same. Life was pretty good, but buried beneath the surface were feelings I didn't like.
You see, expectations are a curious thing, they can be both a blessing and a curse. Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. I knew it shouldn't be like this. I had hope, but it always felt deferred. Heartsick is a great word. I knew that somewhere I was missing something, doing it all wrong, but by God's grace he gave me a spirit of perseverance like no body's business.
For years I have been pushing, pulling, fighting to set things right. Surely some combination of something is going to work; training, disciplining, sweet love, righteous anger, etc.
Which finally brings me to the doormat. God has always been faithful, he has always been calling me, I just didn't always have the ears to really hear. I would seem to get it, but NEVER be able to maintain the knowledge I was given. I needed to become a doormat in my household. I needed to lay down my "right to be respected by the children," "my rights to their obedience," "my rights to have my husband defend/protect me from them." These things are all important, and they are part raising children, and I need to train them to do good, but I as their mother can't live our lives demanding it. I can't cling to my "right" to have it the way I want it, even though my desire may be good. My children are going to offend me, numerous of times a day. It may be never ending. (God, please no!) Offense will happen. Wrongdoing will occur, but what is the Almighty God asking of me in the process.
Proverbs 19:11 A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.
I am willingly laying down. I am willingly trying to become the most dreaded of things for a woman. A doormat. By God's grace he will allow me to lay there and take the grime of their lives and not demand something in return. And this was only the beginning of new things to come. It has been several months, and I am still struggling, sometimes really struggling, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. So much more has been happening, seemingly unrelated, yet woven intricately into the landscape of my life. There are defining moments in ones life, these last few months have been that way for me. I know that I can never go back without being in deliberate sin. Luke 12:48 But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few [stripes]. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.
Monday, January 03, 2011
Oh well! No Christmas pics!
I have been waiting to download the Christmas pictures, but the cable has been at Nate's shop, and although I work there 2 days a week and he goes everyday, neither one of us has remembered to bring it home. This was Dania's first Christmas with us, and it was a gift like no other. She was pure delight over everything Christmas. The decorations, gifts, and family. She cried once a few days before Christmas when I was wrapping presents and the boys had more than her under the tree. They never get the same amount because we spend a certain amount of money on each, but that doesn't always equal the same number. Once she realized that it wasn't because she was the "littlest" she was her happy self again. On Christmas, she was all politeness, manners and excitement. She thanked everybody sincerely every time she received a gift, even before she opened it. It was so sweet. She was most excited about a small doll house that housed little woodland creatures. Her family was a mouse family, and the whole thing is so cute. My mom got her that, and I picked up the accessories. She also received some navy blue boots that she proudly wore to school today.
Everyone was sick at sometime over the break. Austin the week before, Luke trailing behind him, then Evan was sick for a day, (so like him to recover quick) Nate is still sick after 2 weeks, but of course refuses the Dr. He probably had bronchitis or walking pneumonia but seems to be on the mend. Dania got a cold, and I have managed to hold it all at bay with Echinacea and Goldenseal, acidophiles and grapefruit seed extract. TA DA!
So much is happening right now, spiritually speaking. I am full to the brim with lots of things to ponder and pray about. I hope to put some of it down here, but I am also keeping a journal for the first time in 15 years, so we shall see if I am able to manage both. I am looking forward to this new year, I have the feeling that it is going to be a year of tomato staking in my life. I have changed directions and found that the path is much smaller than I've been used to. I sincerely believe that God is revealing himself to me in a way that is new to me. It is forcing me to evaluate my motives so much more carefully. I am weighing my decisions with much more care and caution than in the past. The last 2 years have been wild, to say the least, but this one has me trembling in reverence at the prospect.
Everyone was sick at sometime over the break. Austin the week before, Luke trailing behind him, then Evan was sick for a day, (so like him to recover quick) Nate is still sick after 2 weeks, but of course refuses the Dr. He probably had bronchitis or walking pneumonia but seems to be on the mend. Dania got a cold, and I have managed to hold it all at bay with Echinacea and Goldenseal, acidophiles and grapefruit seed extract. TA DA!
So much is happening right now, spiritually speaking. I am full to the brim with lots of things to ponder and pray about. I hope to put some of it down here, but I am also keeping a journal for the first time in 15 years, so we shall see if I am able to manage both. I am looking forward to this new year, I have the feeling that it is going to be a year of tomato staking in my life. I have changed directions and found that the path is much smaller than I've been used to. I sincerely believe that God is revealing himself to me in a way that is new to me. It is forcing me to evaluate my motives so much more carefully. I am weighing my decisions with much more care and caution than in the past. The last 2 years have been wild, to say the least, but this one has me trembling in reverence at the prospect.
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