Battening down the hatches

That is what has been going on around here lately. We have scaled back on everything, and not spending any more than we absolutely have to. We cut our cell phones to the minimum (can't cancel because of hefty penalties for exiting the contract), turning down the heat, not turning on the air, (yes, we had a couple of days in the 80's and the inside temp was 80) etc, etc. Secretly, I think this gives Nate great pleasure. He has always been an oddly frugal person, in most cases.

When we were newly married (year 1 or 2), he came into the bathroom when I was going #1, he happened to notice that I sort of slapped at the toilet paper dispenser and made a strand come off that almost touched the floor. I wadded it up, used it and then flushed. He looked at me and said "what are you doing?", "three people could have used that much paper." I rolled my eyes and left the bathroom. He followed me out with 3 squares of toilet paper and proceeded to show me how to use it, fold it, as to get the most use of it. Needless to say that story has followed him around our married life, and lest you think I exaggerated, there is video proof that a friend has when we all went on vacation together. 4 or 5 couples went with us to the Outer Banks one year and somehow the conversation came up, Nate quickly demonstrated to all us wasteful ladies how to only use 3 squares, while one of the husbands videotaped him.

I said all that to say that Nathan enjoys saving the nickels, dimes and pennies. (he never leaves one on the ground) Well since we have been spending a lot more time together, he has had the opportunity to come with me on more shopping trips. They have been going well, until this past week. He has never paid much attention to food, since he doesn't cook, and really doesn't like eating all that much. He can be a big eater (he is 6"5) it's just that he doesn't have a developed palette, and eating is to get full, not enjoy the process. Anyway, he started questioning me on cheap meals, and bulk foods like the giant cereal bags, huge cans of baked beans, spoiling produce, and old bread. Some of these things are fine for me to do, but it is much harder to get healthy foods. I try to never buy cereal with hydrogenated oils, same with crackers and other what naughts. I am not crazy organic, but I definitely pay attention and if the price is a little higher I will go for the organic. I also make homemade Mac and cheese rather than box, etc, etc. Well as you know it costs way more to make homemade Mac and cheese, and other items like cookies, Lasagna, etc. This week Nathan was eyeballing the 5lb can of baked beans because we were having them over the weekend with hot dogs. I had to convince him that in the long run that wasn't a bargain, considering, he, Amanda and I are the only ones who like them. He really put me over the edge when he saw the jumbo packs of PINK hot dogs and wanted to get them. I would never want to eat those strange looking meat substitute things with food coloring added to them. I actually had to tell him, "You are depressing me, and trying to kill me all at once."

I am really not mocking him, I actually really respect him for his frugality. I know that this can sound domineering and tyrannical but that is not who he is. He is a very nice guy. He has a good sense of humor and we do get some laughs over it once in a while. Like the other day when I was in the shower and he came into the bathroom, and when he was leaving turned off the light. I yelled, "Hello, I am in here," to which he replied, "Are you doing anything like shave your legs that you need the light for?" I had to admit that I was not, so I enjoyed a shower in relative darkness. (we have no window in the bathroom) There was indirect light from the vanity area window. Amanda is on a one shower a day restriction, and her time limit is 10 minutes. Many a day she hears a pounding on the staircase wall if she is exceeding her time. I am waiting for the day when he suggest wearing our underwear inside out to get an extra day out of them. He complied to that once when we went camping and he forgot enough extras. It didn't bother him in the slightest.

All of this battening in our lives has helped us prepare for this period, because we had saved a hefty amount in our "emergency fund", and that has made all the difference right now. When we do get a treat, we appreciate it so much more. I got invited out for coffee this morning with 2 of my friends and since I'm not a big coffee drinker and didn't want to pay almost $4 for the fancy stuff, I got the cheap house coffee, but splurged on a pastry, and boy did I savor and enjoy it.

P.S. I have to be completely honest and say that even though we are trying to save money, I still am employing the tutor. We have 2 more months of school, and with all the stress we are under I didn't think I could take over all 4 of them. I know that I could do the boys, but Amanda needs a lot of assistance and preparation. I have never (thus far) had to plan out her work, even on the days when the tutor doesn't come, she makes lesson plans, worksheets, and then grades her work. So even though we are pinching pennies elsewhere, bigger bucks are spent in this area. So far we feel this is the wiser path at this time, so that I can keep my stress level down and be there for Nate.

In the moment

I have been working on a post titled "My Black Heart" because of all the anger issues that have been brought up since the beginning of 09, but I have put that aside for now because today I am happy, living in the moment. The anger will be here another day, and I can talk about my black heart then, but today I want anger to have no place in my thoughts.



My husband is unemployed, and for some of you that know us, this is stranger than fiction, considering that he owns his own company and has been self employed for the last 10 years, and his company did not fail. Needless to say that this has put us in a quandary like no other, and considering my temperament, my past struggles, and the general stress of the unexpected, I should be a basket case of jitters, anxiety, and upset stomach.



Somehow, amazingly, God's word is true, and I am seeing myself transformed by the renewing of my mind. (who knew!!) I am learning to live my life in the here and now, and not borrow tomorrow's trouble. This is not to say that I have not struggled on the hard days, but I have been able to more readily let them go. The battles that I have fought in the past with depression and anxiety have prepared me for the current situation that I find myself now in. Those were long hard years of intense struggle, and I rarely saw the fruit of my labors. It was such a frustration, to pour over the Bible, memorize verses, pray constantly, and not see much of a difference. Little did I know what the future held for me. I had no idea that I would be waiting over 3 yrs for a member of my family to join us, I had no inkling that I would suddenly become the mother of a teenage girl, nor did I suspect that our entire financial security be ripped away. However, God was not blindsided by these events and he was using the past to prepare me for today, just like he is using today to prepare me for tomorrow. Sometimes we get the answer to the whys of this life. I feel that I have been given the tools I need, and for once I know how to use them. You have no idea how wonderful it feels to me to not be tossing about in the sea of doubt. Paul says to consider it joy when we encounter trials, and I am really working on it in a tangible way. I have spent countless hours over the course of my life praying like a drowning person, who goes under and then comes flailing out, frantically yelling before going under again. No doubt that man needs to be rescued, but he is laboring a great deal and not making much progress. Now I feel like a person who is in the rough seas and in dire need to be rescued, but I am able to tread water, as not to tire myself out and hinder the rescue. It makes all the difference in the world to be given an ounce of faith. I do see it as a gift and God's grace, not something that I did on my own.



I am so thankful that life isn't random. Faith is so important to the human soul, I can't imagine living this life without the hope of our future glory being revealed. I am starting to love the sanctification process, the working out of my salvation with fear and trembling. I used to be so impatient with myself and others, I just wanted to "get it" and move on, but if we live with that mentality we miss so much of the good stuff along the way. Today was a beautiful day, the kids did well in school, Nate and I are getting along so well, everybody is healthy, and the truly important things are happening. Today I just want to live in the moment and be glad.


I am writing this here now so that I have a record that I can go back to and remind myself of God's faithfulness at this time. I must also say that I know that people have experienced truly devastating circumstances, and I am not trying to preach or imply anything to anyone else. Once again this is just about me.

The Latest

This is one of the 2 latest photos I received of Dania. The other photo was indecent, it was at bath time and she was in her undies standing next to a bunch of boys and girls in their birthday suits. I did learn from that photo that she appears to have an umbilical hernia. One of my nephews has one that has never closed up its own, so I probably will get her the corrective surgery to fix it. It appears in this photo that she is missing her two front teeth just like Luke. I have heard no news on her paperwork, but I am not too concerned yet, I only hope and pray she is home soon. I will have to update my homestudy for the 4th time if we are not traveling by early June. Her bday is May 2nd and that is what some little girls at church are praying is her due date.

In other news, Nate is unemployed and home now, which is great, but we filed a lawsuit last week.

My phone and computer have been out of service for the last 3 days so I have not been able to respond to those of you who have contacted me recently. They have to do further work Monday to fix the problem. I know that I have been absent recently, but it has been nearly impossible to talk about regular things when there was so much going on that I could not discuss. Anger has been lurking close and I have had to deal with it up close and personal, but that is a post of its own for another day.