In the moment

I have been working on a post titled "My Black Heart" because of all the anger issues that have been brought up since the beginning of 09, but I have put that aside for now because today I am happy, living in the moment. The anger will be here another day, and I can talk about my black heart then, but today I want anger to have no place in my thoughts.



My husband is unemployed, and for some of you that know us, this is stranger than fiction, considering that he owns his own company and has been self employed for the last 10 years, and his company did not fail. Needless to say that this has put us in a quandary like no other, and considering my temperament, my past struggles, and the general stress of the unexpected, I should be a basket case of jitters, anxiety, and upset stomach.



Somehow, amazingly, God's word is true, and I am seeing myself transformed by the renewing of my mind. (who knew!!) I am learning to live my life in the here and now, and not borrow tomorrow's trouble. This is not to say that I have not struggled on the hard days, but I have been able to more readily let them go. The battles that I have fought in the past with depression and anxiety have prepared me for the current situation that I find myself now in. Those were long hard years of intense struggle, and I rarely saw the fruit of my labors. It was such a frustration, to pour over the Bible, memorize verses, pray constantly, and not see much of a difference. Little did I know what the future held for me. I had no idea that I would be waiting over 3 yrs for a member of my family to join us, I had no inkling that I would suddenly become the mother of a teenage girl, nor did I suspect that our entire financial security be ripped away. However, God was not blindsided by these events and he was using the past to prepare me for today, just like he is using today to prepare me for tomorrow. Sometimes we get the answer to the whys of this life. I feel that I have been given the tools I need, and for once I know how to use them. You have no idea how wonderful it feels to me to not be tossing about in the sea of doubt. Paul says to consider it joy when we encounter trials, and I am really working on it in a tangible way. I have spent countless hours over the course of my life praying like a drowning person, who goes under and then comes flailing out, frantically yelling before going under again. No doubt that man needs to be rescued, but he is laboring a great deal and not making much progress. Now I feel like a person who is in the rough seas and in dire need to be rescued, but I am able to tread water, as not to tire myself out and hinder the rescue. It makes all the difference in the world to be given an ounce of faith. I do see it as a gift and God's grace, not something that I did on my own.



I am so thankful that life isn't random. Faith is so important to the human soul, I can't imagine living this life without the hope of our future glory being revealed. I am starting to love the sanctification process, the working out of my salvation with fear and trembling. I used to be so impatient with myself and others, I just wanted to "get it" and move on, but if we live with that mentality we miss so much of the good stuff along the way. Today was a beautiful day, the kids did well in school, Nate and I are getting along so well, everybody is healthy, and the truly important things are happening. Today I just want to live in the moment and be glad.


I am writing this here now so that I have a record that I can go back to and remind myself of God's faithfulness at this time. I must also say that I know that people have experienced truly devastating circumstances, and I am not trying to preach or imply anything to anyone else. Once again this is just about me.